Reported by Rob Granger

Our program today was a sports talk radio show.  The topic was, of course, the UCLA v. USC football game to be played tomorrow at the Rose Bowl.  Our sportscasters were Rich Hutton and Dave McMonigle, ably assisted by Mike Real (McLoving) and an extremely talented supporting cast.

RH:  Welcome to the Dave and Rich sports talk radio show, the number 1 ranked show in the country.

DM:  Here we are in Arcadia, California with the smallest studio audience we have ever had.  Scheduling us here is probably another one of McLoving’s screw ups.

RH:  And they really look elderly also.

DM:  That could be a real problem. You know one of our guests is Rick Neweasel; did you know that he is selling long term life insurance to senior citizens?  He is gonna see this audience and start working the room like crazy.

RH:  Well, I understand that some of these guys are pretty cutting edge.  They got a guy here named Bob Novell who’s already fallen off the fiscal cliff.

DM:  Well, we have a great show today. We have videos, special guests coming by and McLoving is here to run his football quiz.

RH:  Well, let’s get started but you know it is Friday. We both need a drink (they each produced a half pint bottle and took a swig with McLoving joining in with his bottle).

McLoving introduced some video of early game footage and gave the audience an opportunity to demonstrate their collective ignorance of USC/UCLA football facts.

DM:  Now we would like to welcome to our show, one of the first in a long line of exceptional coaches for the illustrious football program at USC – a legend in his own mind – Howard Jones (Roger Gewecke).

DM:  Let’s see, first off we, and I’m speaking for Rich and myself, … we want to let you know how excited we are to have you visiting us today. Can we call you Coach? …

DM:  Our first question would be …. What is the biggest change you have seen in football since you were coaching? … Coach? …. Ok, have there been any changes?

Jones:  ….. “Yes”

DM:  Ok so your saying the forward pass in your days was when the lineman asked the cheerleader out on a date ….

Jones:  ….. “Yes”

DM:  What do you think about the size of the players these days?  In your day a big player was 6 ft and 200 lbs. Nowadays the big player is 6 foot 7 and 350 lbs.

Jones: ….. “Big”

DM:  What about the uniforms? … It seems to me the players had clothing act as their padding, now there is so much protection the players look like gladiators.  … What do you think about that???

Jones: …. “Choppers” …

DM:  What? … Well …. There you have it straight from the Coach himself. … “Choppers”, thank you Coach Jones.

McLoving:  (quiz) hat was the date of the 1st SC v UCLA game?  –  1929   score: USC – 76 and UCLA – 0.

Rich and Dave then made their game predictions.  Rich went with USC by 3 touchdowns.  Dave said that it would be UCLA by 3 touchdowns.  Ok , so a tie!

Next up we were treated to the video of OJ Simpson’s slow run in the white Bronco.

RH:  Our next guest is Paula Broadwell (Andy Bundesmann).  Welcome to the show Paula; so you’re OJ’s new girlfriend?

Broadwell:  Yes, I got tired of those 4 star generals.  You would think the Director of the CIA would know better than to put all our emails on the internet.

RH:  Well, Paula, your new boyfriend is on the telephone.  Please tell him that we have just shown his famous run and would like his comment.

Broadwell:  (taking the phone)  Hi OJ, I’m here live on the Dave and Rich show and they showed your famous run to the audience and they want your comment.(pause) …… OJ says that if he could have driven that white Bronco half as well as he could run, that they never would have caught him.

RH:  Ask OJ who he thinks is going to win the big game.

Broadwell:  They want your opinion as to who is going to win the big game. (pause)….… OJ says the prisoners are going to kick the guard’s butts.

RH:  We don’t mean that game, we mean the SC/UCLA game.

Broadwell:  They want to know your opinion about the SC/UCLA game. (pause)…… OJ says that he is sure the Bruins are gonna win.

RH:  That’s astounding ask him why.

Broadwell:  OJ why do you think that? (pause)…… OJ says he heard that the Trojan drum major is not going to be able to stab the Bruins insignia at midfield before the game.  He says that stabbing is necessary for the Trojans to have the killer instinct to win.

RH:  Well, enough of that why don’t you say your goodbyes to OJ.

Broadwell:  OJ, I will be coming up to see you next weekend. …… You want me to do what? …… Right there in the visiting room? …… No way! …… You’re really a sick pervert!

RH: Is there something wrong?

Broadwell:  This guy is a serious mental case.  Maybe General Petraeus isn’t so bad after all!

McLoving:  (quiz)   What is the USC v UCLA record?  USC – 46, UCLA – 28.     Who had the longest winning streak?  UCLA – 8

The video that followed was 1963 footage of UCLA coach Prothro coaching an attractive group of women.  They arrived at the field in regular clothing and then got ready to play the game wearing swim suits and bikinis.

Dave introduced the next guest – Coach Tommy Prothro (John Davis).

DM:  Coach, was it easier to coach these beautiful women or all those great UCLA teams?

Prothro:  UCLA

DM:  Why’s that?

Prothro:  First of all, all the penalties.  We kept getting delay of game penalties because they talked so much that they couldn’t get out of the huddle in time.  Then, there was all the holding penalties, before the ball was snapped.  Then, all the delay of game penalties for taking too much time applying makeup.  It drove me crazy.

DM:  But how about those uniforms. You must have liked that?

Prothro:  Are you nuts? I tried to put them in powder blue and gold football uniforms. They said that wasn’t their color palate, insisted on cardinal and gold. I said no way I was going to pay for that.

DM:  So coach, who’s going to be the big winner tomorrow?

Prothro:  That would be Me!  I’ll be watching the game with my team over at Hugh Heffner’s.

DM:  Thank you coach.

McLoving:  (quiz)  What does the winner of the USC/UCLA game receive? – The Victory Bell.   What was a unique fact about the 1980 game?     Neither team was bowl eligible.

For the next video, we had a clip of Rick Neuheisel playing guitar with a band.

RH:  I would now like to introduce our final guest on today’s program, Coach Rick Neweasel (Jeff Johnson).

RH:  It looks like you play a pretty mean guitar.

Neweasel:  I should have made that my career rather than coaching.

RH:  Well, I have to ask you a few questions about last year’s game.  You know the Trojans won 50 to nothing.  What are your thoughts about that?

Neweasel:  They scored a point for every state in the union and we couldn’t even get a point for Puerto Rico.

RH:  So who do you think will win the big game tomorrow?

Neweasel:  Definitely USC.

RH : Why would you say that?

Neweasel:  Well, that Jim Mora is making me look like an absolute fool.  He has won almost as many games this season as I have won in my entire career at UCLA.  It’s embarrassing.  I think they did a good job at UCLA.

RH:  We did keep talking about closing the gap and yet you continued to have losing seasons.

Neweasel:  But I did close the gap.  I created a large gap that Jim Mora is closing this season.

RH:  But they also call you the human wreaking ball.  Why is that?

Neweasel:  It’s unfair but they are referring to my coaching stats at Colorado, Washington and UCLA where I left all the teams with a losing record.

RH:  You also kept talking about your passion bucket, what’s that all about?

Neweasel:  I believe you have to have a real passion and belief in what you’re doing.

RH:  Well, what are you doing these days?

Neweasel:  I have finally found my true career.  I’m selling long term life insurance to senior citizens.  By the way, I looked around this room and there is a lot of them and I want to get to work.  Could you send me a roster of your members so that I can start harassing them like I harassed the poor UCLA community?

RH:  Thank you coach for joining us on the program.

McLoving:  Final quiz question of the day.  Who won the 1st and only overtime game in rivalry history?  –   UCLA in Double OT – 1996

RH:  Thank you folks for tuning into our show.